Hello readers! Sorry about not posting last week, I’m on my Easter break from college and I’m enjoying two weeks off in Shetland. I’ve also had a lot of big life decisions to think about over the past few weeks which I’ve not felt ready to talk about yet. I know the direction that my life is headed in but I think somewhere, deep down, I’m still in a bit of denial and it all feels quite surreal. So at the moment, I’m taking things one step at a time and going through the motions of whatever my mind is throwing at me.
In a nutshell, my initial plan at the start of this academic year was that I’d study pharmacy in Edinburgh for a year then come home to Shetland and stay in my flat that I’ve been subletting to my boyfriend. Those plans have changed now and I’m going to be giving up my flat and going back to Edinburgh after the summer, alone. It’s the right decision for everyone involved but it’s still terrifying. The idea of giving up my flat which I’ve had the tenancy for for 2.5 years is scary. I love having my own place, I love living alone – it’s my sanctuary. From when we moved out of my childhood home when I was 13, I never felt at home anywhere. I felt like from then on I went from place to place like a drifter that never belonged anywhere. Between foster care later on and moving to Glasgow and dropping out of higher education twice, my flat I started renting at age 20 became a great source of security and stability for me when I moved back to Shetland. I’m an introvert and having my own space is so soothing for me – when I give up this flat I know it’ll probably be years before I’ll be able to have my own place again. But the sort of security that comes with having my own place is also a restriction to my freedom. I’m only 22 and to be rooted to somewhere as rural and void of musical opportunity as Shetland just doesn’t make sense. Choosing between love and personal ambition is horrible and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it helps that my boyfriend is so supportive of my music and has been loving enough to understand.
With this new direction in life comes new financial difficulties that have been stressing me out like crazy. But I have taken action to make changes in my life to alleviate those difficulties as best I can. Meditation has been a great help with this. When your brain is so full of stress and worry, it’s impossible to think straight. Writing and meditation has given me the breathing space to be able to think clearly, even if it’s only for a few minutes here and there. I’ve also made a weekly planner for this week and outlined the things that I can do to take action and make me feel more in control because I think that’s been one of the most difficult things – the loss of control and not knowing exactly what’s coming next. I’m trying to spend more time thinking about positive outcomes rather than negative ones because I’m starting to believe that we create our reality.
The last two steps on my journey to self esteem growth that I started this blog with are self forgiveness and self permission. These two concepts are directly relevant to the changes happening in my life but part of the reason I’ve not explored them yet is because these changes are taking some time to truly sink in and, as I mentioned before, I’ve been in a bit of denial lately. With these two concepts came a premonition that I wasn’t ready to face yet. It’s a horrible feeling knowing that the truth is buried deep inside you but you’re not ready to hear it. That’s how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks but things are looking a lot better now. There are two things filling me with hope and trust in the future: 1) the quote that goes – only once you have lost everything are you free to do what you want, and 2) the idea of getting a tattoo to commemorate this difficult time in my life – a line drawing of a heart with the word “me” in the middle.
Next Monday I’ll be travelling back to Edinburgh but if I’m organised I will have a scheduled post up for that day. 🙂 Thanks so much for reading.
– SMUT. ❤ xxxx
Art by Jaison Cianelli