Today Was…

Today was…dragging my feet at work. My sleep has been poor this past week and a lot of the tasks at the pharmacy are pretty tedious at the moment so there was a lot of checking my phone, getting distracted and feeling guilty because of it.

Today was…something he’d said replaying in my head over and over, anger burning my chest.

Today was…googling “narcissistic abuse making jealous” and skimming over the results until I found what was relevant.

Today was…reading my truth in one of those search results and crying quietly in the consultation room of the pharmacy, alone, rubbing my temples with frustration and overwhelm.

Today was…considering telling my manager that I was really struggling, that I’d recently experienced narcissistic abuse and was feeling overwhelmed and distracted; then pushing that thought away. There’s someone else I work with who has frequent spells of anxious attacks, I can’t be a liability.

Today was…another member of staff overreacting to crumbs in the staff room, spilling her anger over to everyone else. Feeling anxious as I walked past her and consciously trying not to let her foul mood drag mine down even lower.

Today was…blistering sunshine. Determined to leave the pharmacy for my lunch, I walked the extra distance to nearby park with a nice river lined with trees. I listened to Solange under the shade of a tree feeling a mixture of numb, overwhelmed and grateful. How is it that we can be numb and so full of emotion at the same time? It’s like the nervous system just flatlines – the two extremes causing mild dissociation.

Today was…getting on the bus after work and grasping for my mask a few stops down after seeing an elderly person step on the bus. Feeling a mixture of shame and sadness at not having worn one until she got on. Ashamed of my complacency. I glanced at her, I was a few seats behind, and considered the fear and precariousness of being an elderly person right now. I regarded her, sitting alone independently – a freedom which could so easily be taken from her in the instance of illness. I thought of pneumonia, a complication of respiratory illness, and the number of people who have died in care homes – separated from their families in their final hours.

Today was…crying on the bus. Again. At all of this. The grief and trauma of a worldwide pandemic that I hadn’t really thought of or felt for quite a few weeks resurfacing again.

Today was…a lot. I’m reminded that it’s mercury retrograde in cancer. High emotion is to be expected. Recently, I had four nights in a row of intense, emotional dreams. Aside from the adversity I’ve experienced lately, I can feel myself growing, learning and advancing at a fast rate. I feel as if I’ve levelled up on a soul level, on a relational level, on an emotional level. That’s what grief, confusion and anguish often do – they’re catalysts.

I’m planning to record an IGTV this weekend about dating. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts, consuming a lot of content about self-worth and boundaries, and I have a well-needed fresh perspective!

Until then, thanks for reading!

– SMUT. ❤ xxxx

 

3 thoughts on “Today Was…

  1. Rachel Hill says:

    Hi H Sorry to hear about the break up and I hope you’re beginning to feel better.
    A lot of this post really resonated with me. I also have experienced feeling really low, or cut off, distant, numb and really touched by beauty at the same time.
    And the feeling of levelling up, and how things feel to be growing and changing, I have lows and then once they pass there’s a shift and everything feels new and expansive and changing.
    I’ve been having an interesting time lately too- different, but some of the effects seem similar. Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • smutandselfesteem says:

      Hi Rachel, thanks so much for this message. Not been on here in a while so only just saw it. I was beginning to but had quite the setback again recently. I guess healing is not linear, as we know. I hope you’re doing okay as well xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rachel Hill says:

        Oh so sorry to hear that. You are strong, wise, talented and beautiful, you’ll get through this. Lots of love xxxx I am fine, editing, editing, editing! It’s going well, B in Tokyo is reading and advising. I’m cautiously optimistic about completing something good.

        Liked by 1 person

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