Instead of always focusing on why the men I attract cannot meet my needs, today I am going to hold my hands up and admit that I attract emotionally unavailable people and explore why.
I listened to a podcast the other day with Mark Groves and Damona Hoffman. Damona is a dating coach and specialises in the minefield of online dating. They mentioned briefly the importance of honesty on these apps and stating what it is you’re looking for. A little self-reflection made me realise that seeing men on these dating apps whose profile specified they were “looking for a relationship” made me cringe. It suddenly occurred to me how crazy that was!
Why would I deem it embarrassing for someone to admit they want a relationship rather than playing it cool and acting unbothered? Why would that make me cringe and swipe left?
Other than the fact that I haven’t been looking specifically for a relationship while using these apps, I think the potential emotional availability of these men who made me “cringe”, unnerved me. And I think as well that on some level, I deemed it “uncool” to be so honest. I absolutely do not think like that anymore.
If that used to be my mindset, how could I attract anything other than emotional unavailability?
Another person whose wisdom I have been trying to absorb is Breeny Lee. She’s a youtuber and influencer who focuses on dating, healing, self-worth, her relationship with God and giving no-BS advice on all of the above.
I really admire people who incorporate their relationship with God into their content – no matter their religion – because as a spiritual person, it always resonates with me in some way.
I could’ve linked about 50 of her videos here but this is one in particular that I enjoyed the other day. She starts the video with a line of Christian scripture:
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.Proverbs 4:23
This line struck me because I interpret it as speaking to a necessity for conscious avoidance, something I discussed in my last blog post. The state of your heart dictates and colours the rest of your life.
If you are going around shouting “men are trash!”…you should not be dating, you should be healing – because you are hurt.Breeny Lee
It’s a cliché in a sense but Breeny’s directness really hits home for me and reminds me of everything I thought I knew but that I’d forgotten. She talks about people who have low opinions on the opposite sex (if we’re talking in the context of heterosexuality) and that “you receive what you believe”. If you believe all men are trash, your reality will confirm this and, yet again, you will attract men who cannot meet your needs.
I’m in a kind of middle ground at the moment where part of me believes the silly saying of “all men are trash” and also part of me believes and knows that this is not the case and that I will, at some point, meet a wonderful man who will love me with depth and loyalty.
Breeny is right – I should not be dating. I’m hurt; and hurt people, hurt people. Not only will dating bring me more pain and rub salt on unhealed wounds (as it has done in the past), it will inevitably bring others pain: any potential partner and my friends who will doubtless need to help me clean up whatever mess I make. Dating before you are ready is selfish and it took Breeny telling me this in no uncertain terms for me to actually realise it.
There’s a trope about people who have been in unhappy relationships as being innocent victims who then try to hide from their pain by latching onto someone new. Are we not all accountable for our behaviour? Healing is our responsibility, not the responsibility of the next unassuming man we want to save us from our wounds.
I’m trying to take more accountability in my life. After experiencing the worst suicidality of my life a few months ago and also being broken by an abusive dynamic – I’m starting to feel like a whole person again. Or at least a person who is starting to heal again. This involves taking accountability.
The times in the past when I knew I wasn’t ready to get involved with someone but chased the rush anyway and reciprocated someone’s interest – that was immature and selfish of me.
I don’t say this to berate or shame myself – I believe I was doing my best at the time – but now I know a bit better and am feeling more secure in my decision not to date.
In another of Breeny Lee’s videos, she talks about the differences between “girlfriend energy” and “wife energy”. She describes this so-called “girlfriend energy” as being:
…a scattered, unsure, insecure energy. It’s “I need validation but I’m scared of commitment”. It’s “I’m playing games so I don’t get hurt”, it’s “I’ve not really thought past this year, I haven’t really thought about the future” or “I don’t really believe that I can get what I want, so let me just settle here”. It’s a “live for the moment, I have plenty of time” energy, it’s “I wanna have fun and forget the consequences” energy. Ultimately, it’s “I don’t love myself, so I need someone to love me” energy.Breeny Lee – How To: Attract Who You Want
The word “scattered” really resonated with me. When I think about past relationships where I wished at the time that my partner would’ve been more committed to me, I realised that I wasn’t really the most secure person to be committed to. I was often changing my mind and acting unsure about whether I wanted to live on mainland Scotland or in Shetland. During my first relationship, I went through a lot of transitional life experiences – I almost moved to New Zealand at one point.
How could anyone be sure about me when I wasn’t sure about myself, them or my future? I have no doubts that I am lovable and that I have a lot to give, but I have in the past been confused, insecure, flitty, ungrounded and unsure.
What Breeny describes as being “wife energy” is where I’m trying to get to. Not because I want to be married but because I want to grow into more of a woman, be more secure, intuitive and assertive. At one point she says the reason these men won’t commit to you is that you are not committed to yourself.
I guess my goal at the moment is to become more committed to myself than ever before. This includes setting boundaries, having discipline, being radically honest with myself and having the courage to try every day to create a better life for myself and be the woman I truly want to be.
Thanks for reading.
-SMUT. ❤ xxxx